Optimism?

Why does my heart still long to be yours?
Well, no, that’s not quite right.
My heart doesn’t long to be yours.
My heart already is yours.

It has been for months.
In three months it will be a year.
Odd, thinking this started only nine months ago
And ended after six.

But it never really ended.
No, it took a month break
and then, with one e-mail
it came back.

It came back different
I’ll give you that.
But it still came back
And it’s still here.

I know I don’t really have a say anymore.
Despite all appearances, we’re not together.
But why don’t you see what I do?
Why can’t you understand?

Maybe I’m being cocky.
Maybe I’m being biased.
Maybe I’ll wake from this chaos
Maybe it’ll settle itself.

Maybe is nothing to go by.
Maybe won’t help us now.
Maybe can’t promise you’ll understand.
Maybe doesn’t cut it anymore.

You said you still love me.
But you said there was her.
Then she wasn’t there, but another in her place.
Another that won.

The third was your karma
She didn’t last.
There’s always been me
I’ll always be here.
Then there was another still
This one seemed better
But watch out, she bites.
She’ll bite you in the ass one day.

And now, yet another.
This one from my realm.
You say she’s been three-years-coming
but why not before?

But the fourth and fifth overlap
The fourth remains, the fifth plays
She plays with your heart
And I’m the one piecing you back together.

I’m the one you come to
I’m the one you ask.
I’m the one you bitch to.
I call you on when you’re being an ass.

I wish there was a way to help.
The problem is that the only option I can see
Is you leaving all of them
And coming back to me.

Logically, even that isn’t the fix.
It won’t make the others not exist
It can’t take your mind off of them
But dammit, I’d try my best.

I’ve always tried my best for you
To be here, be what you need.
I don’t know what you need now,
besides a swift kick to the balls.

I don’t know how this will end.
I won’t tell you what to do.
I can’t make decisions for you.
You have to work for yourself.

Just remember that, despite advice otherwise,
I’ll always be here when you need me.

FEEL

I do not feel good.
Nor bad, either.
I do not feel happy.
Nor sad.

What’s wrong, you ask?
I’d love to tell you.
To have you assuage my fears
and comfort me.

But, you see,
I don’t know what’s wrong.
My body won’t tell me.
Nor will my mind.

It would be so easy
To be tired or hungry
or cold
Those are easily made better.

I’m not tired.
A ten-hour sleep does wonders.
I’ve not even been up for twelve hours.
And yet, I’m ready for bed.

I’m not hungry.
Haven’t been all day.
Oh, I ate. No worries there.
But I wasn’t hungry.

I’m not cold.
I’ve just returned from a hot shower
It turned my skin bright pink
And steam billowed above my head.

No, I’m none of those things.
They are far too simple.
Too common.
Too easily repaired.

I might be lonely
In this world surrounded by people
Looking into the faces of all my friends
But not the one of my lover

I am not tired.
I am not hungry.
I am not cold.
I merely… Am.

AWAKE

It doesn’t matter whether my eyes are open or closed.
It’s still dark
And I’m still alone

But it’s not fear of what once was
That keeps me from my sleep
No, it is fear of what may never be

Promises, promises
Hopes and dreams
It seems that at every turn
Someone puts plans to a halt

Am I not of legal age?
Have I not the funds?
And yet, one single word from them
Keeps me from my love.

ok, another lengthy disappearance, and then what do i show up with?

poetry.

from me, that's saying something.

i'm not sure why i'm putting these up. maybe jsut to see what people think when they don't know what i wrote them about. i'm not sure.

here goes...

REGARDLESS

Crying purges the soul
Tears, like vomit
Lift the pressure
And I can breathe again

But what does it mean
When the tears no longer come?
Am I starting to heal?
Or just too hurt to feel pain

Like a gunshot,
The pain blurs
Hot and white
It's all there is

Pain doesn't stay, though
And soon it changes
The burn soothes the skin
Rather than hurting it

But once again a change
The warmth, once so soothing
Begins to roast you
From the inside out

The heat builds and builds
Until the pressure makes you sick
You heave, once more
But there's nothing left

Nothing
Except dreams and memories
Hopes of what might be
But nothing definite

Knowing your dreams are only that
Knowing your memories slowly fade
Knowing the paradox time creates
Speeding and crawling both at once

Eventually, eventually
A dream or two comes true
And all of a sudden
A new store of tears is found

And you've no choice but to heave

Eyes vomit tears
As the source of all pain
As well as all joy
Blur together, blend together

And you know it will happen again
You know the burn will come again
But you love him
Regardless

right, well, i leave for college on thursday. as in, the day after tomorrow. i still have a metric fuck-ton of packing to do, and little drive to do it.

i'm not sure what i intend to use this for. i jsut kinda.. felt like saying something.

if i'm honest with myself, leaving isn't what's bothering me. the only people i'd miss are either already gone, or are easily accessible by way of computer. i'm not worried about my classes, barring that i haven't read the book they assigned us. but i don't want to read the book - it isn't interesting to me. can they really punish me for not reading it? can't i read it once i'm there and know what i'll have to do for it? we'll see.

i'm not worried about starting school, i'm not able to see being homesick in my future, but i'm definately in a funk. and i can only think of one reason.

even if he is only in basic and they can't send him over to get his ass shot at.
even if by the time he's out of basic, he'll still need more training for what he's going into.
even if by the time he'd feasibly be sent over, there may not be a reason to send him.
even if you've only known him properly for 5.5 weeks, and he's been gone for two of them.

it still sucks to send your boyfriend off to the army. i can't see him until christmas, can only talk to him on sundays where it's not definite he'll be able to call, can't respond to his letters until he's in his official unit-thing in georgia, and he probably can't get online to check his e-mails either, except on sundays.

i miss him like hell.

and my mother isn't helping.

"oh, you're too young to be so involved."
i wasn't too young two years ago when you let me be with the emotionally-abusive boyfriend for a year and a half.

"it's too early to be exclusive with someone"
by who's judgment? you're not the one dating him.

"he's not from a nice family"
i'll give you a hint - that's not his fault.

"he can't talk to his mother in a way that she'll respond to/doesn't end in a fight"
gee, sound familiar?

"he'll have tons of emotional baggage that you can't fix. you can't fix him. i've tried to fix your father for 33 years and he hasn't changed a bit."
just because you fucked up your SECOND marriage, even if it has lasted 26 years or so and is still going, doesn't mean i can't DATE boys who are vaguely similar.

"i'm only trying to protect you. don't you understand that i'll do anything i possibly can to spare you pain?"
maybe i want to hurt, because at least pain is a feeling. or, gee, y'know, maybe i have a little bit of optimism that we'll work out?

in the three weeks i got to spend with him before he left, he made me feel better than i had in years. he made me feel good, emotionally. he made me feel LOVED. made me feel SAFE. made me feel like I'M WORTH SOMETHING. that i CAN DO SOMETHING RIGHT. that's something only a few people do, and i've known them for years. i've known him just over a month.

is it any surprise that i love him?

fuck how short a time i've known him, i've never been closer to anyone except my bestie, and i've known her for going on seven years and we like.. share a brainwave.

i acknowledge that i don't do anything slowly, that i dive in head first in practically everything i do. i ask if this really matters?


... crying really does make you feel better. whether it was from anger or sadness, i don't know; but i feel a little better now.


i've still got to buy my text books, do some MORE shopping, take the three-hour alcoholEDU course, fetch the 300 dollars i owe my parents, and gather all the little shit i've hidden around my room that i need to bring with. and then i've got to stow it all away in the plastic bins serving as luggage for moving.

i should also probably eat dinner at some point while it's still today.

*sigh* ...is it sunday yet?

As much fun as this weekend was, i can't help but wish some things had gone differently. Even with those, though, the whole thing was a blast.

The limo thing was a bit shiesty, but I'll chalk that up to bad communication skills.
Seriously, moving all of our stuff pissed me off. "we thought you'd be more comfortable over there." 1. everyone was floating back and forth between rooms anyways, and 2. you should have asked us. I'd have moved anyways, but you should have fucking asked us, it's rude to just move everyone's stuff.
It is really necessary for you to control everything and have it exactly how you want it, no exceptions?
Try asking and taking opinions before you just run off and expect us to follow. it's awkward to have to pick between staying and maybe missing out and following without knowing what's going on.
I'm honestly starting to suspect that you don't like me all that much anymore. I always seem to be forgotten about in plans, or just shot down completely sometimes.

I like what happened with you and her thursday night. Your dad and his girlfriend that night, however, sucked hairy, sweaty ass.
I kinda wish i had taken more initiative and danced with -you- more, rather than just by you in the group. But i liked that you kept having to walk away.
You're incredibly cute when you're asleep. <3
I still don't know what to do about what we talked about in the car - my brain is still going in circles.
I'm sorry that i make things so complicated, I'm trying to not be so... overly-analytical. I really am trying.
If it hadn't of been so public in the hot tub, you may well have gotten that pick-up option instead of the back-off one. Seriously. I'm -still- thinking about that.
I really was looking foreword to sharing a bed with you.
Watching you wrestle was hot, but did you notice that you wrestled with everyone except me?
I'm still trying.
I need you to reassure me sometimes. I know it's a little awkward and you think I'm just being silly, but i need it.
You feel good in my arms, now only if you'd stay there.
I'm sorry.

Thanks for letting me whine to you.
and for the mental slap-age.
I know I'm angsting, and i really am trying to not be.
I love you.

That talk we had did me a lot of good.
I never thought you were going after him, I could tell you were just playing
Really, thank you so much. You helped more than you could guess.
even if you do mix up what size I'm asking you for... XD



ok, so, after over 6 months of pure nothing from me on here, i come on to complain. I really should work on actually using this for more than just reading fics...

three of the four "you"s up there don't even have an LJ account, but it does make me feel a little better, even if they won't see it. *shrug*

yes, i know, after fiftenn weeks of inctivity, i'm actually posting on here...

oh holy fuck tonight was hilarious. tongiht was the pasta dinner for swimming sectionals, and it was at my house. so after practice, around 18 people come over and we eat.

and eat

and...?

you guessed it, eat.

and then the fun begins. nevermind that all through dinner we'd been laughing and insulting each other. eventually most of us gravitate to downstairs, where the floor isn't dominated by two fully-expanded tables.

the gist of things is that there was wrestling, tickle-fights, and innuendos abound.

and i was the only one with a camera. and oooohh did i ever use it.

the catch is that i have an uncanny knack for taking pictures andhaving them turn out dirty. i have one where dan is reachong for mike's crotch. i also have one where aards is whipping out her penis infront of amy who's reaching for it while mike is going to shove his gatorade up aards' ass while laying nearly on jesse. and then there's the one of scotty from the waist up with a look of bliss on his face, leaning back into the couch... and more.

i'm such a photo-whore. jo said if she saw a flash one more time she'd kill me.

empty threat, i'm still here. haha, i win.

yes, i know, i'm actually doing something on here for once.

pinch yourself all you like, you're not dreaming this time.

anyways - onto what i'm actually thinking about

i can't believe it's over!! *sob*

nah, not really, not sobbing.

in fact, i do seem to recall my closing the book, standing up calmly, and jumping around a bit.

by the way, i'm talking about book 7.

it's just....geh. it's over. done. it has gotten the kabash.

...wow, how to tell when i've slept very little.... 7 hours over 2 days.

......i sya things like kabash, and write in individual thoguhts....

i actually met some really cool people in the line for the book. met them in the wristband line, and they found me again in the book line. one's a founder of fictionalley.org and one's a pleasantly deranged fellow psychopath who goes by the title of "moony." moony dressed up as bellatrix lestrange, complete with dark mark, and only didn't lick it because the pen would smear. they were fun. they'd also both read the book (or most of it) already and i had a fun time trying to get them to let thigns slip.

..i've jsut remembered one thing i overheard them say, and understood it. "and then snape flew away..." indeed he did. *nod*

also, i get the feeling that my reactions weren't quite normal. there were a couple times, in the middle of a tense art, where i'd jsut burst out laughing because of one little line....
*cough*aftertheygotthefangs*cough*cough*

*ahem* anyways... i'm pretty content with how she ended it, but i wish she'd gone into the epilogue a bit deeper.

yeah..i don't know what else to say. i'm still wearing my wristband from friday, and have no plans to take it off. i am a dork, and revel in this fact.

1.Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Live Journal?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?